4 Unexpected Things I Struggled with as a First Time Mom

In a lot of ways becoming a first-time mother was easier then I expected. There is nothing like seeing your brand new baby for the first time, the first kiss, the smiles, and the growth milestones. But in a lot of ways, it was also more challenging and different then I was expecting.

There’s no rule book on how to feel or what to expect. Everyone’s experiences are different and hormones, personality, and other factors can play a huge role in your own personal experience. Everyone handles stress and excitement in different ways. Becoming a parent for me was very different then I thought it would be.

While I didn’t have any postpartum depression or other serious issues, I still struggled to find a balance and new normal in my life. I love my daughter and wouldn’t trade my experience for anything in the world! But let’s be real–even if you are the most natural parent in the world, no one is perfect and not every single moment is beautiful or magical. Life isn’t always easy but it is worth it.

Parenting isn’t simple or a one size fits all. Every child, parent, and story is different. While being a mother isn’t always candy and roses, it is wonderful and very rewarding. These are the biggest (and most surprising) ways I struggled in my own personal walk into first-time motherhood…

1. Lack of Sleep

This is probably the biggest struggle for new moms. Everyone knows babies wake up throughout the night and need to eat often. So I knew this was a big thing going into motherhood. However, I greatly underestimated just how big a factor lack of sleep would play. I assumed it would be tough but would be over before I knew it. Wrong.

With my firstborn, early on she was a great daytime sleeper but a horrible nighttime sleeper. She had the typical day and night in reverse and it was hard on me. Even after I gradually got her days and nights turned around she still got up often throughout the night. In fact, she got up once or twice every night until she was close to 1 year old.

Now I don’t know about you but before having kids whenever I thought about the lack of sleep, never did I think it would last so long. It was so exhausting mentally and physically. I also wish I would have had more people to talk to about it while I was going through it. I feel like it’s so underrated and people don’t talk about it too much. It’s like it is understood there will be an adjustment with it but you just assume it’s a short-lived thing. It’s not! And until you go through it you really don’t fully understand how it will make you feel. 

2. Feeling Alone

When I was pregnant I just assumed that after the baby came it would be this huge bonding experience between my husband and I. I envisioned it being us (and baby) against the world. While it was an amazing bonding experience, after going home and getting into our normal routines again it also felt very isolating. With hubby working, it was just me and the baby all day.

At the time I was a military wife and we were living in a different state than both of our families. I only had 1 friend who lived an hour away and was in nursing school (aka super busy). So the majority of the time I felt like it was all me, all by myself. It was a very lonely feeling.

Prior to birth, when I thought about the struggles of being a new mom this issue never once crossed my mind. I am a pretty independent person and don’t have a problem doing things on my own, so I figured it would be the same being a mother.

Now you may have a different experience than me with friends and/or family close by but even if you do, you aren’t immune to feeling alone. Being a first-time mom is a huge life-changing time and no one can be with you 24/7.

3. No You Time

Another surprising thing I learned that was a hard adjustment was feeling like I had no me time. I really took for granted being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted before having kids. I didn’t really think of this being an issue beforehand.

I kind of knew things were going to be all about the baby, especially while they’re still so young and depend on you for everything, but I really didn’t anticipate feeling the way I did about it. Being a stay-at-home mom and exclusively breastfeeding definitely added to the feeling of not having any time to myself. I remember complaining to my husband that I missed just doing something for myself on more than one occasion.

I honestly missed my hobbies the most. I missed not sewing or doing yoga. Just little things I enjoyed that I felt like made me who I am. It’s tough in those early days to not feel like your losing your self and identity when everything is wrapped around your new baby. 

4. Resentful of the Other Parent

To be honest I never even thought of this as an option prior to having my first baby. I remember hearing stories from others about how much their husbands helped with their new babies during nighttime and I knew that wasn’t going to be the case for me.

I knew beforehand that I would most likely be doing all the nighttime routines myself and I was ok with that. After all, I would be breastfeeding so I would have to get up to feed the baby regardless and my hubby would be working so he’d need his sleep to get through work. I’d be able to rest during the day. Even though I expected this, I still found myself getting resentful about it at times.

When you’re feeling sleep deprived, stay home with the baby all day every day, are nursing constantly, and do everything for your newborn (or feel like you do) it is easy to start to resent the other parent for not helping as much. As a first-time mom I liked doing everything myself and wanted too–but as time went on it got really tiring.

Always being the one to get up at night and still get up first thing in the morning with the baby is hard. Taking care of meals, bath times, and everything in between is a lot for any one person. Knowing there are two of you and yet doing most of the work yourself is a very lonely and emotionally exhausting feeling.

I’m not saying my husband didn’t help at all. He went through a lot as a first-time dad too. We have since talked about this and worked through it but it was very hard at the time for me and it did create a bit of distance in our relationship. I didn’t bring it up while I was going through it and I wish I would have. Not talking about it with my husband let resentment build and any little thing he did (or didn’t do) just let it grow further. 

By not talking about it I also wrongly assumed I was the only woman who didn’t have her husband’s full help. I have since learned that many of my friends go through this to some extent too and that it is a normal way for guys to react. Looking back I wish I would have known about this ahead of time. I wish I could have been able to ask for help more and not just do it all on my own. And I also wish I would have known that I wasn’t alone while I was going through it. 

You will go through so many new experiences as a new mom and they won’t all be pretty. I wish I would have known some of these things beforehand to be more equipped to handle them. I hope that in sharing my own personal experience with you, that you will be better prepared and not completely blindsided like I was.

Just remember this:

• The lack of sleep is inevitable. The length of time it goes on, can and will drive you crazy. But it does come to an end! It won’t be this way forever and you are not alone in this struggle. 
• Feeling alone is natural at times. Even if you are geographically away from your family and friends there are always other moms out there that can relate to you and what you are going through.
• The feelings of not doing anything for yourself will fade. They don’t last forever and as your baby grows things will get back to a new normal.
• Resentment can build for any number of reasons. Don’t let it create a wedge within your relationship with your partner. Communicate how you are feeling and ask for help when you need it. 

The biggest thing to remember is that you are not alone. Even when it feels like it. There are others that have been through it before you, are going through it right now with you, and will go through it after you’ve come out the other side. Reach out to those closest to you for support. Being a new mom is when you need that support the most!